Again

Today I was thinking about change—and I smiled.

I remember the resolve with which I used to tackle my biggest problems, and how try as I might, I could never get very far before I reached the inevitable conclusion that I had failed. Again.

This became acutely and painfully obvious when it came to my drinking. As I failed to make the changes I longed for, I finally arrived at the irrefutable fact that what I was attempting was impossible, and that I would always fail.

That led to plenty of self-pity and fear. And then, almost cruelly, I would be inspired by someone who had managed to make a major change in their life. Following their lead, I’d try again, and fail. Again.

Life before recovery was a struggle with the world, its people, and with fate. But mostly, I struggled with myself. Why can’t I change? I wondered. Others do. So why can’t I do the same?

Then came recovery after hitting bottom. Again. Not the worst bottom ever, but the one that finally beat me into that magical state of reasonableness. I was ready to listen, and everywhere, I heard stories of people who had recovered. They were amazing and inspiring. They had definitely changed. But could it happen to me? I hardly dared think it possible.

A sliver of hope took hold in my heart, and I summoned up the courage to try. Again.

But sadly, I failed several more times before really understanding what it means to abandon myself completely to God.

So why didn’t I just give up? The simple answer is that I couldn’t walk away from the love I felt from other alcoholics in recovery. The pull was too intense, and it kept drawing me back. Again and again.

I kept hoping someone would take pity on me and tell me what I was missing. (And honestly, they did, but I thought I was different.) The feeling of being “less-than” was overwhelming, and only desperation kept bringing me back.

And then it happened for me!

The “secret” is that God does it all.

I was helpless. Powerless. But God was willing and more than able to get me sober—and keep me that way. All I needed was that “contrite heart” mentioned in Scripture.

I needed to confess my powerlessness to my Creator, honestly admitting that without Him I was nothing. I needed to open my heart to Him and try a completely different way of living. And I needed to ask for forgiveness and make amends to those I had harmed.

A true miracle happened in my life—and I believe it will continue for as long as the door of God’s grace is still open.

What’s the only thing I can change about myself?

I can change my mind.

God does the rest. Again and again.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart—these, O God, You will not despise.” Psalm 51:17.