Conflict Communication – Part 1

Just because you’ve found a friend, your bud, “soul mate,” spouse, true homie, or kindred spirit doesn’t mean there won’t be trouble. It’s easy to think that the best of friends shouldn’t have to work at the relationship. It should come easily and effortlessly. Yet, the truth is we often get into the mud more with those we are closest to. Marriage partners do not go unscathed. In fact, the Bible tells us, “… If you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble …” (1 Corinthians 7:28). Ouch! Thankfully, there are a lot of promises in the Bible that assure us that God will not only be with us in trouble, but will also deliver us from it (Psalm 91:15).

A major contributor to trouble is found in 2 Corinthians 7:5, where Paul writes, “… We were troubled on every side. Outside were conflicts, inside were fears.” While no fun, conflict and insecurity are quite inevitable.

Let’s focus on conflict first. Learning how to conflict differently can transform the outcome of the relationship. Conflict done better allows for the individuals in a close relationship to retain their individuality while pursuing and experiencing oneness. Two people can differ, yet be united in their pursuance of resolution and harmony.

Two are better than one. They have a good reward for their labor. Collaboration yields more. We do a double work. If one falls, fails, or makes a mistake then the other will lift him, and help him get back up. This is where the term “helpmeet” for a spouse is super meaningful. Life is better when you have someone in your corner who sees your weaknesses and failures and doesn’t leave you, but stands by to encourage and strengthen. However, when I meet a couple who verbalize that they never argue, I question the happiness of their home. Has one of the partners so yielded their opinions to the other that they no longer have a voice? It’s not that I like to argue, I just believe that retaining individuality combined with “submitting to one another” is vital to have the best relationship (Ephesians 5:21). Differences can be opportunities to view things from a different perspective than my own, to grow, and learn. “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17).

It is natural to retreat and isolate ourselves as a means of self-protection and to avoid conflict. I’ll just stay over here in my corner and you stay in yours. However, the Bible says, “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire …” (Proverbs 18:1). Isolating oneself can be easier; but entering into vulnerable territory seeking the other’s desire, has its rewards. One of the rewards is gaining skills on how to have unity in the midst of diversity, and these skills include learning tools of conflict communication.

With hundreds of relationships in his résumé, King Solomon wrote, “Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman” (Proverbs 21:19). There are a few different ways of understanding the meaning of this verse. Christians have fled from the angry church into the wilderness throughout the Christian dispensation. Men read the verse literally and nod their heads at each other understandingly. But I’d like for us to take another look at what happened in the wilderness of the Old Testament. After being set free from Egyptian bondage, the children of Israel lived in the wilderness. It was there that God revealed himself to them. It was there that they faced their own failings and inability to keep their vows. The wilderness was their school, where they learned how God is resolving the great conflict between good and evil. Moses highlighted the purpose of the wilderness to the children of Israel when he said, “… Remember that the Lord your God led you all the way … in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart …” living “by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord” (Deuteronomy 8:2–3). As a type of the Christian experience, the wilderness was where they experienced the process of sanctification in their lives.

Imagine your wife comes to you contentious and angry. What if you mentally go to the wilderness? Meet with God, face your own need to learn, acknowledge that fighting for your rights and clamoring for your needs to be met will end the same way it did for the Israelites. Trust Him to take care of your needs, miraculously provide for you, and defend you. God knows how to bring the truth to the surface and remove the misrepresentation from His children (remember Korah, Dathan, and Abiram?). In the wilderness, God took impossible situations and completely turned them around. In bringing forth water out of a rock He showed possibilities that weren’t even considered options! The wilderness is where God instructs, where He provides, where men are trained to face the necessary conflict in entering the Promised Land.

Next month we will look further at tools of conflict communication.