Even If I Want To

What a relief it was to be free of the relentless obsession to drink! For several years, I had practiced the principles of recovery, and had established and grown in my relationship to God. I’d been through a lot. In my second year of sobriety I made huge financial amends that basically wiped out my bank account, and then lost my job the next day! But the Mighty God of the Universe clearly assured me that He knew how to take care of people with ravens—and certainly knew how to care for me!

After feeling unemployable, I followed God’s leading to a far-off place and began working in ministry… and then it happened.

I was new in town, had just started a new job, and was feeling pretty good that summer day. I had breakfast at a restaurant and was driving down the street when I glanced over to the right and saw a bar with its front door open. It was just a fleeting glance, but suddenly I found myself wondering what that bar was like inside. The more I thought about it, the more I began to rationalize that I might want to go there sometime for lunch, since they also served food. (I know that those of you who have never had a drinking problem are wondering why in the world I would ever want to do that, but trust me, that’s how alcoholics think!)

Well, a mile or so later, I had the sudden urge to turn around and go back to that bar. In fact, it was all I could do to keep going straight down the highway! I started to panic. This isn’t happening! I thought. I’ve been sober for three years, this isn’t supposed to happen!

As panic took over, my mind raced for a solution. I didn’t want to give in, but my obsession had kicked in. And it was strong!

You’re going to drink if you don’t do something! I thought. Oh God help me!

My mind latched onto those three words that had saved my life: “God help me. God help me. God help me!” I repeated under my breath. “What do I do?” I cried out loud. “God help me!”

Then, suddenly, I remembered what I’d been taught: If you feel like drinking and you can’t think of what to do, sit down and do nothing until your wits come back to you!

I glanced around me wildly for some place that would be safe, and suddenly, I saw the local truck stop on my left. Not by coincidence, it was called “The Haven.”

I pulled in quickly, went in, and sat down in a trucker booth. After ordering something (non-alcoholic!) to drink, I sat there almost numb. What do I do? I asked God, silently.

Becoming more aware of my surroundings, I saw there was a phone on the wall in each booth. Back in those days, we didn’t have cell phones, but most of us had a “calling card” with prepaid minutes to make “long distance” phone calls. I picked up the phone and automatically dialed a dozen friends I’d gotten sober with. No answer. They were all at work!

Now what? I wondered. And soon the waitress was back. “Could you get me a sheet of paper and a pen?” I asked.

“Sure,” she said, then added, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just a little rattled,” I replied. As soon as she left, I thought, I’ll write a gratitude list, and then I dunno.

It was probably the most heartfelt list I’d ever written. And at the top was the blessed fact that I had been able to stay sober even though my mind was terrified that I would drink and ruin everything I’d been working so hard for.

Suddenly, I saw a man sitting at the counter with his back to me. And even though I couldn’t see his face, he looked vaguely familiar. I got up, got a better look, and sat down next to him in disbelief!

“Jeff, what are you doing here?” I asked.

“Hey! What are you doing here?” he asked back.

It was one of my new friends in recovery—and oddly, I had his number in my wallet but hadn’t even thought to call him!

As my story came tumbling out, he smiled and nodded. “What a coincidence that I should run into you here,” I said. “In fact, I’ve never been in this truck stop before!”

At that, Jeff raised his eyebrows and said, “Do you want to hear something cool? The fact is that I’ve never been in here, either!”

Jeff lived about 45 minutes away and had worked at the lumber yard in town for 12 years. “Usually, Fridays are hectic days, but today was the slowest day ever!” he told me. “So I asked my boss if I could leave early and he said ‘Sure.’ Then, on the way home, I thought I’d stop in and get something to eat. And honestly, although I’ve been past this place thousands of times, this is the first time I’ve ever stepped foot inside!”

Needless to say, by now the obsession was lifted, and a drink was the farthest thing from my mind. Instead, it had been replaced by a deep attitude of gratitude. Yes, God is faithful.

A Bible verse I’d learned as a child came back to me that day—and many other days, since. “But the Lord is faithful, who will establish you and guard you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3.

Temptation is going to keep coming our way every day. “… But God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13.

Believe me, that Bible promise is true! When I was young in recovery, they told me that I didn’t have to drink ever again if I didn’t want to. But what they didn’t tell me is that I don’t ever have to drink even if I do want to! My Heavenly Father will never let me down.