Forgive—and Forget

From time to time, I find it helpful to take an inventory to see where I am on my recovery journey. If I’ve learned anything at all it is that recovery—and life—requires continuous action, and although I have routines in place, sometimes I need to sit back and take in the big picture.

Not too long ago, during the height of the pandemic, I realized that it had been awhile since I’d run a “check up from the neck up,” so I decided to turn on the lights and look around my head and my heart to see if there were any resentments lurking in there that should be examined and discarded.

By the way, I didn’t feel like I had any resentments. In fact, I was almost sure; but I decided to look around anyway. Taking my cue from the psalmist, I began with a prayer for God to show me if there was anything lurking in my heart. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23–24.

At first, everywhere I pointed the spotlight seemed pretty clean. No big bad monster resentments anywhere. But as I continued to look, I kept getting the feeling that there must be something, somewhere. Lord, if there is any lurking resentment, please bring it to mind…

Suddenly, I remembered a similar conversation I’d had years before with someone far more experienced at this than I was. When I told her I couldn’t find any resentments, she smiled and said, “Then why don’t you make a list of people who annoy you.”

Immediately, I began writing down names.

Soon I was staring at a surprisingly long list in amazement. None of these people  had done me great harm. They just had attitudes or behaviors I didn’t approve of. Upon closer investigation, I saw that in most cases, they’d made me afraid that they’d hurt someone I cared for, or embarrass me, somehow. And how clever that I had brushed those feelings aside as unimportant. I’d carried these mini resentments with me for years! Something they had said or done had dropped them into the “annoying” category, and anytime their name came up in conversation, I’d re-feel those same feelings.

But what really dismayed me was the realization that I actually liked the fact that many people annoyed me because it allowed me to feel superior to them all!

What was the solution? Forgiveness, of course. I mulled this over for a while, and the truth dawned on me. Whether they had hurt me or others didn’t really matter. What I needed to do was forgive—and forget. God promises to do that, but how could I do that, myself?

I recalled the long-standing feud between the famous twins in the Bible. Jacob had tricked his brother Esau out of the blessings intended for the first-born, then fled to avoid his wrath. But many years later, God instructed him to go back and face his angry, rich, and powerful brother, who had vowed to kill him. 

There are many details to this story, found in Genesis 25–33, including Jacob’s famous struggle with the Angel of the Lord. But it’s their face-to-face encounter as adults that caught my attention. Jacob was in great distress about seeing Esau again, and expected the worst. But God had told him to meet his brother, so he obeyed. When he saw that Esau had 400 men with him, his heart sank. But what came next was totally unexpected, because God had done a work on Esau’s heart, as well. Much to Jacob’s surprise, his brother ran to him, hugged and kissed him, and they both broke down and wept for joy. 

Our Heavenly Father is longsuffering and patient; and like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son, He runs to us with open arms and remembers our sins no more! 

A thought I’d never considered before popped into my head. Why, that’s called purposeful forgetting—choosing to deliberately forget all about something. And it’s not a gimmick. If God can choose to erase His memory of our sins, then so can we. After all, we are made in the image and likeness of our Creator. 

Thus I began on a new adventure in recovery. First, I asked God for clarity. Have I really forgiven the harms that have been done to me or others, both large and small? Second, I deliberately asked God to let me see them through His eyes, focusing on what’s good about them, or the good things they do. Then, next to each person’s name who had annoyed me, I wrote down five things I admired about them. You see, the more I focus on what’s good about them, the less I think about what might be bad. Then finally, when the thought of them came up, I referred to their good qualities, pushing aside how I felt about them in the past.

I have to tell you that I’ve learned not to do this on my own strength, since I can’t change what’s in my heart. But I believe that it’s God’s will for me to forgive, just as He does—“I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.” Jeremiah 31:34.

I deliberately ask Him to supernaturally erase those memories—and I choose to forget! With time and practice, it’s working.

Revelation 12:10 says that Satan is the “accuser of our brethren,” accusing them before God day and night. Lord, keep me from joining him in those accusations. Let me speak words that build up and encourage, and may I do Thy will, always.