Forgiving Myself?

The topic was forgiveness, and I wondered how long it would take before it took off in another direction. I didn’t have to wait long. I’d been down this road many times before. In fact, in all my years of recovery groups, only once had I heard something drastically different. Something I would never forget.

The first person to share mentioned how they still felt guilty for the shocking way they had treated a loved one. Alcoholism and drug addiction really do alter our personalities, and most of our worst behavior and harshest words end up being directed at those who are closest to us. They are the safe ones. They love us. Or at least they did. But now, staring at the most damaged relationships, we struggle with how to make amends for the shocking way we’ve treated them.

As I listened to each person who shared, it was obvious that the topic of forgiveness in their mind was primarily focused on their lack of ability to “forgive themselves.” In fact, the idea of extending forgiveness to others never even came up!

I smiled, and thought, Ah yes, alcoholics really do suffer from a selfish and self-centered point of view. And just sobering up doesn’t cure that.

The ugly truth is that just not drinking doesn’t change me one bit. Ever. If I could change my character defects, I wouldn’t need God! But if I don’t change, I will continue to hurt others, even when I don’t want to—and I’ll continue to drink over more guilt and more shame.

It’s interesting that regardless of our personal religious beliefs, all of us have struggled with forgiveness. We carry guilt and shame around with us, dragging them like chains everywhere we go. But for an alcoholic in recovery that spells disaster, since it’s one more way our alcoholism can discourage and convince us that a drink might make it better!

The Apostle Paul knew a thing or two about guilt, and about the struggle to do the right thing. He wrote, “… I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!….” Romans 7:21–25 (NIV).

So there’s the solution—only God can make those changes in my life. But He won’t change me without my permission. Jesus put it best when He said, “…the Father who dwells in Me does the works.” John 14:10.

So it seems that the problem lies in the idea that I should “forgive myself,” and that’s where the story of a young girl comes into play.

I was sitting in the meeting, listening to one person after another share how even after years of recovery, they still felt guilt and shame over the way they had treated others in the past. “I just can’t forgive myself, although I keep trying,” they said.

And then it was her turn. She was fairly young, and the words she spoke held wisdom far beyond her age. I never asked her how she’d come up with them, but they were profound.

“I’ve heard many people say, ‘The hardest person to forgive is myself,’” she began. “But that’s not our job. That’s God’s job. Our job is to forgive others!”

She paused for a moment as the message sunk in. It had depth and weight—it came from a deep understanding and personal experience. And then the fireworks exploded in my brain!

It’s not your job to forgive yourself.

That’s God’s job.

Your job is to forgive others!

I thought of the Lord’s Prayer—we ask God to forgive us as we forgive others. My job is to forgive others. Others! Not myself. Only God can do that.

My mind raced as I thought it through, and it dawned on me that my problem was that in trying to forgive myself, I was playing God! My focus had been completely self-centered. I had been trying to give myself absolution for my sins. I was trying to forgive my own sins. But if I had asked God for forgiveness, hadn’t He given it to me?

My mind recalled some of the verses I was raised with. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9. “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25.

Yes! My job is to forgive others. And God will forgive my sins, if I repent and ask for it. So perhaps my problem lies in accepting His forgiveness. The wheels turned faster. I don’t feel worthy of His continual forgiveness—but I will never be worthy of it. It’s all about grace. Amazing grace.

How I long for the ability to forgive others as He continually forgives me.

How I long to be more like Him!