The Voices In My Head

After decades of recovery, I didn’t expect them to show up all at once. But they did. And soon I realized they’d brought others along.

I was approaching my 35th year of sobriety and was actually looking forward to it. Somehow, every five years or so, it feels like I wake up one day and everything looks different. A fresh perspective covers everything I think I know, and to my delight, I find there’s more—more joy, more understanding, more nuances, more to be learned. It’s as if it’s my first day of school again, and I get to learn everything all over.

But that day hadn’t come yet.

Instead, the voices in my head were there, telling me I wasn’t really all that. 

You’re actually a loser, you know. You’ll never amount to anything. Look at what you did the other day. You lost your patience. Is that how a sober man acts? You had to go back and make amends.

Then the committee moved in for the kill.

You’re not a good Christian, and all this stuff you think you know? Well, you don’t know anything at all. Who do you think you are? What’s the use? You’ll never change.

Oh yes, the voices of the “committee” were relentless. And although I wasn’t listening, they were becoming very annoying. All day long, they broke into my thoughts. Uninvited and unwelcome guests, speaking lies I’d heard many years ago, when I was new to recovery.

I tried to focus on positive things, but the negative thoughts kept coming. Prayer brought me temporary relief. But they came back again and again.

After a week, I was tired of their chatter. I spoke to my closest friends, and they reassured me they’d had battles with their “committees,” too.

I decided to “turn myself in” to my support group, and they smiled. Yep, they’d had their rounds with the “committee” as well.

Finally, I recognized that every negative thing I heard in my head came from the same condemning source—the “accuser of the brethren.” His evil thoughts were breaking in, and the only relief I knew I’d get was through prayer.

He brought up sins and mistakes from the past. He tried to convince me I was hopeless. He tried to discourage me from doing anything about it. Appealing to my pride, he tried to make me afraid of what other people might think, so I better keep my mouth shut about it.

Although I know the evil one wants me dead, I also know that he’ll settle for miserable! He knows if I’m miserable long enough, I’ll begin to think a drink or some other substitute will bring relief. And despite what I know to be true, I’m not immune. But for the grace of God, I would’ve died a miserable alcoholic death a long time ago. God is my only hope.

I wondered if I’d been careless. Was there an area in my life that needed attention? Was I skimping on my quiet time with God? Was anything standing between His grace and my heart?

My questions revealed several things that were wrong, and I confessed my sins to the Lord and yielded to Him. At once, I felt His power begin to flow in. But by the next day, the negative talk started up again.

I have to admit, I was puzzled. Searching my memory for solutions, I thought of David who chased away despair by singing songs to the Lord. I took that to heart, and as long as I sang songs of thanksgiving, the voices remained quiet. But off and on, especially when I was tired, the “committee” would start up again.

As I approached my sobriety date, I began to wonder if my “committee” would be silenced on that day. I sincerely hoped so. I was tired of talking about it to my friends, and it was still taking up too much of my attention.

Then I happened to talk to a woman I knew, and she shared about how depressed she felt. The encourager in me took over, and I recognized that God had set me up to listen. She was hurting, mostly because of a conversation she’d had with her teenage daughter.

“My girl came to me crying the other day,” she said. “She told me that I was letting her down because I no longer took her to church or even talked about God with her. I feel bad about all that, but I know it’s because of my drinking.”

Wait. Had I heard her right? Nothing about her even hinted that she drank. In fact, she got up early every day to open the restaurant, and she was one of the hardest workers I’d ever met.

“Did you say you have a drinking problem?” I asked cautiously.

“Yes,” she answered. “On my days off I just sit around and drink all day. In fact, when my daughter gets up for school, she usually comes into my room and stands there saying, ‘Mom, do you really have to drink in the morning? What’s wrong with you.’ And I tell her, ‘I don’t know, baby. I don’t know.’”

I paused for a moment. “You know I’m in recovery, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she nodded.

I’m not too bright sometimes, and another long moment passed before it dawned on me: Oh! She told me because she knows I’m in recovery! She’s reaching out for help! Then I breathed a silent prayer: Lord, give me the words to share Your love and mercy with her.

We had just a few minutes before she had to go back to work. But it was long enough to tell her about the miracle God had been doing in my life for nearly 35 years.

I shared that when I got into recovery, my friends told me that I would never have to drink again if I didn’t want to. But what they didn’t tell me is that I would never have to drink again—even if I did want to! God had made that possible.

The tears in her eyes told me everything. Hope had taken hold, and as I prayed for her, I could feel the peace that passes all understanding flow into my heart.

I can’t wait to see her again because I know God will finish what He started.

I pray every day for God to put the people I need in my life and ask Him to put me in the lives of those who might need me. Then I ask Him to open my eyes so I can recognize a few of them.

That day, I saw who God had put in my path, and I can’t wait to see what God is going to do next.

A few weeks have gone by and my “committee” has continued to remain silent.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6–7.