Fresh off my amazing experience of surrendering my character defects and asking God to remove them, I was faced with another challenge. I had long cherished the sin of resentment. It had been like a pet tiger that I’d fed, pampered, and hidden away deep in my heart. But now, it was threatening to eat me alive.
I had played “baseball forgiveness” for many years—you know, the I’ll forgive you once, and maybe twice; but three strikes and you’re out! game. But now, while making a list of all the people I’d wronged and becoming willing to make amends to them all, I realized that there were many I needed to forgive, first.
The reason for this was simple. What if I approached someone who had harmed me and asked them for forgiveness, but they treated me with disrespect? If I had a grudge already, it would only make it worse. In fact, depending on how I was treated, I might be tempted to retaliate—and the second amends would be a lot tougher!
With some hesitancy, I began to think about those I’d harmed, and my family came to mind. Oh how I’d worried and mistreated them at the height of my drinking. How could I make that right? There were others whom I had worked with—people whose lives were made nearly unbearable because of my constant demands to have my way; team members who had put up with my rants, complaints, and the fact that on Monday mornings, I could barely work under half steam. Relationships of every sort were looked at, and I found my part in damaging them through abuse or neglect. Oh how I longed to make things right.
As I considered each broken relationship, two obstacles quickly popped up. Pride told me I need notlook, and fear warned me I dare not! But the Holy Spirit, and the experience of my friends pushed me forward.
First, I needed to forgive those who had harmed me, one and all. What a monumental task! It’s impossible, I thought. And on the surface, I was right. It was impossible for me to forgive certain things others had inflicted on me. The wounds were too deep, and I’d used them for many years as excuses for my drinking.
But God in His mercy gives us a way to forgive the unforgivable, if we ask for and take His forgiveness and pass it along to those who have deeply hurt us. I’m not sure where this concept came from—whether I heard it somewhere in a sermon, read it in a story, or maybe God just impressed it on my mind; but I’m ever so grateful I got the message.
Looking squarely at those who had deeply hurt me, I prayed, “Lord, You know I have no way to forgive these things. But I know that You can. So please give me Your forgiveness, and I will pass it along to them.”
As I prayed, I felt a great sense of relief. Years of bitterness melted as God’s forgiveness passed through me, erasing the pain and anger that had etched itself into the walls of my heart. Instead, the blood of Jesus covered all those ugly marks, and His grace flowed through my veins, cleansing the bitterness that had long been rooted in me. “Thank you, Lord,” I prayed, over and over.
With new determination, I wrote down a long list of people to whom I owed amends. Was I willing to make things right with them all? At first I wasn’t sure, but as I looked at my part, I longed for a life that was simple. One where I wouldn’t have to avoid anyone, where I could look everyone in the eye, and hold my head up without any shame or regret. If I would be willing to make things right, I would never have to be in fear of others again.
That bright promise of freedom from guilt, shame, anger, remorse, and fear was within reach! For the first time, I imagined what it might be like to live a life of peace, and I wanted it! In fact, I longed for it. Oh sure, there were times when I still lapsed into worry about how I might be treated when I approached them to try to make things right, but I was willing, and I asked God for more willingness every day.
As I look back to the moment when I was willing to forgive, I realize the true implication of Jesus’ words in Matthew 11:25–26 when He said, “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses” (emphasis supplied).
In forgiving others, I am assured of my own forgiveness—and I am free!
Please, Lord, give me a forgiving heart.
