Perhaps the greatest enemy to my recovery from alcoholism has been the persistent idea that I’ve somehow grown enough. I’m comfortable being sober, I no longer even think of alcohol, and many years have gone by since I was even tempted. But I am convinced that although that weakness has been mastered, it’s still alive and will sneak up on me if I don’t keep track of it.
Actually, we all experience this in many areas of our lives. Whether it’s slacking off on household chores, or skipping outdoor exercise for a few days (that can often turn into weeks), we often get busy with other things and neglect our spiritual growth.
One of the ideas I picked up along the way was, “You grow or you go.” That little saying carries tremendous weight for me because I’ve helplessly watched the demise of many of my friends and acquaintances over the years because of complacency. When life gets good, we get distracted and drift off course. And sometimes, we don’t make it back.
I had to find a way to make sure I was growing spiritually every day. I needed to find a way to take my inventory, and promptly correct any mistakes I’d made, instead of brushing them off for a more convenient time.
There’s a surefire way to know that I need to take my inventory—and that is to recognize when I’m feeling disturbed. No matter what, when I’m disturbed, there is something wrong with me. I stop and take a quick “checkup from the neck up,” and the usual suspects always show up!
My basic problem is selfishness, and for me, the most common form of selfishness is resentment. When I’m not spiritually fit, even the smallest incident can turn into anger. How dare they treat me this way? I think. I deserve better than that! (Yup, it’s all about me, isn’t it?)
Most of the time, when I take a look at why I’m angry, I find that I’m being petty about things, or I’ve been keeping score on somebody until they strike out. However, sometimes people have deliberately hurt me without provocation, and anger in that case might be justified. But that’s always a dangerous road for me to travel, since I’ve never been very skilled at separating justified from unjustified anger. Believe me, I can always justify my anger—to the point of wrath! In the past, I was never skilled at dealing with my feelings, so I drank to quench the fire of resentment, but only added fuel to the flames.
So my answer today is to look at my feelings, understand my part, make a deliberate choice to forgive, then turn my anger over to God and find someone to help. This has to take top priority, and the Bible backs up this idea with the warning, “‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” Ephesians 4:26.
Another usual suspect is self-centered fear—usually a fear of losing something I already have, or of not getting something I want. From this comes every form of spiritual sickness, and I cannot live in constant fear or I will drink again. When fear comes up, I ask God to remove it and show me what He would have me be. Then I move, as best as I can, in that direction—fearless in the belief that He will provide for my needs. I also focus on others and how I might help them, and that takes my mind off of me.
Next, I watch for dishonesty—that old character defect that has been around from the beginning, when Lucifer lied to the angels. Despite my walk with God, I have found that I am still prone to being dishonest—mostly through lies of omission. I am rigorously cash-register honest, but I can still be dishonest with my feelings and words. Leaving things out is just as bad as making things up, and while I’ve gotten better at both, I still have room to grow.
A note here to those of us who are proud of being “brutally honest,” though: I don’t believe there’s any moral virtue in being proud of our “honesty.” In fact, I’ve found those who believe this way are really bullies who club their fellow men with “the truth,” and like the Pharisees, they are proud of it. Jesus didn’t operate this way, and I believe that the One who treated others with such humility and compassion would want us to do likewise.
A day at a time, I’ve trained myself to step back when I am disturbed, take that spot-check inventory, and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it and attempt to make things right. At the end of the day, I take a deeper look, making note of things I should make amends for, and resolving, with God’s help, to do so at the first opportunity. I also ask God for forgiveness, and then I feel His peace.
It’s important to note that any inventory that doesn’t look at my assets, is a very poor one, indeed. So I try to see the areas where I have grown, too. Each day God gives me many opportunities to encourage, be helpful, and contribute to the well-being of others. Since the pandemic, I’ve found myself praying for others a lot more, and I’ve developed a habit of praying with them in person or on the phone. Prayer keeps my heart in tune with God, and brings me closer to those I pray with.
I’m grateful that God has never given up on me, and that He’s transforming me, a day at a time, into the man He always wanted me to be. Today, I can repeat David’s beautiful and humble prayer, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23–24. Noting both the areas where I need to improve, and those areas where, by the grace of God, I’ve done well, I thank Him from the bottom of my heart and go to sleep in peace.
