Many years ago, I heard about “emotional sobriety” and wondered if I would ever experience it. As someone new to recovery, I believed that emotional sobriety came only with age, experience, and a lot of hard work—something that seemed far out of reach, as I was struggling just to stay sober for one day! However, today I see it as a normal part of growing up, maturing, or “adulting” as my younger friends like to say.
Although growing up emotionally may not be a challenge for most people, it is a significant issue for alcoholics in recovery. Those adolescent urges that may seem normal in our teens are not very attractive when we reach our 30s, 40s, and 50s. So how do we move past them?
Our selfishness and self-centeredness do not go away overnight—and neither does our desire to have things our way. But God is patient and keeps presenting us with opportunities to change and grow. As I’ve stayed sober, I’ve become aware of all this—in hindsight at first, and then more frequently as I realized I could choose to react the way I always did or take another path.
At times, I felt powerless to choose the path God put in front of me and went down the familiar road of self-righteous anger, holding a grudge, or saying things I needed to make amends for later. I would then justify my actions by telling myself, Well, it’s not my fault. I can’t help myself! At other times, I chose the new path and was delighted with the results. As I listened to the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart, I began asking God for help. Gradually, I realized that change was possible—as long as I allowed Him to make those changes and followed His will for my life.
I began reading my Bible every day, and in those quiet moments, I saw myself in the characters I was reading about—Jacob’s lies, Esau’s regret, Jonah’s stubbornness, Elijah’s fear. I learned from their experience, and I longed for David’s repentance, Daniel’s faithfulness, Joseph’s forgiveness, and Moses’ patience.
I’ve realized that my dependence on people, rather than on God, has been my fundamental flaw. I’ve depended on them to affirm me, help me, and give me the things I needed. And when they failed me, I was resentful and demanding. In fact, I had actually fought for what I thought I deserved! When defeated, I became depressed, and when I won, it was a shallow victory. The bottom line was that, even sober, I was still at odds and fighting with lots of people, always trying to get my way. I thought, If I just try a little harder … if I just keep fighting, I’ll get what I want. But my demands on them had kept true peace of mind just out of reach.
Of course, there isn’t a chance in the world that I’ll get what I want out of life, because there’s always something more, better, and different out there. I just can’t seem to get enough of what I think I want, and when I do, the “shiny” wears off very quickly. Our whole society seems bent on coming up with something new and enticing, and I can get caught up in chasing those things, instead of letting God develop my character and mold me into the man He always wanted me to be.
So what was the answer? It was simple, really. I had to give Him my heart in gratitude for all He had done for me. I needed to ask Him to change my heart and to focus me on giving rather than getting. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.’” John 13:34 (NIV).
Each day, a little prayer gets me started: “Good morning, Lord. What can I do for You today? Please put the people I need into my life today, and put me into the lives of those who need me. Then open my eyes, Lord, so I can see them. Let me love them with Your love, and may I do Your will always.”
Recently, I have thought long and hard about emotional sobriety. Nothing much seems to rock my world anymore. Over the years, I’ve faced financial insecurity, life-threatening illnesses, and the loss of a parent, and yet the desire for a drink has been the last thing on my mind. Fear, anger, and loneliness have been replaced by stability, a quiet heart, and a sincere desire to see and encourage everyone God places in my life each day.
The flow of God’s love through me to others cannot begin until my dependencies and demands on them are broken and removed. And when it finally flows through me freely, I am supremely happy. My stability comes from trying to give, rather than to receive. As I surrender to God, I win the battle with self, and I’m free to love Him and those He puts into my life with all my heart—and as best as I know how.
Now, I can truly enjoy my own quiet place in the sunshine.
