Since I got sober in September, it wasn’t long before I started worrying about getting through the holidays without drinking. And instead of feeling more confident as each day went by, I began feeling that much closer to my next drink!
My friends in recovery assured me that this was normal and that I could get through anything, if I took life one day at a time, but I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I have a family that doesn’t drink, I thought, so I’m not going to fight that battle at the dinner table. But why does being around my beautiful family make me want to drink?
I should tell you that as a kid, I was never very happy at big gatherings because something always seemed to get in the way of me getting my way. Either I couldn’t have dessert before my meal, or I didn’t like some dish my mother thought I should try. It didn’t matter what anyone else was talking about, I always had to be the center of attention. And when I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I felt misunderstood, or worse yet, ignored—and that always led to anger and self-pity.
It was quite embarrassing to realize that newly sober, and 30 years old, I was still prone to acting childishly. I was also still a slave to my emotions, but I had no idea what I was feeling, much less how to fix it!
I think that’s when I first heard the holidays referred to as The Bermuda Triangle of emotions—Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve. Dear God, don’t let me drink! I kept whispering under my breath, and I wasn’t so sure I would make it.
My only relief seemed to come when I met up with my recovery friends afterwards the family gatherings were over. They understood me, and they gave me a safe space to process what I was feeling.
After several years in recovery, I remember realizing that I was still selfish and self-centered. I wasn’t thinking of my family, really, because I was still too busy thinking of how I felt. (I shudder to think how obvious that was to everyone else!)
It’s very difficult for us alcoholics to explain why we drink to someone who doesn’t have a drinking problem. But one thing’s for sure. We drink because of our emotions! We drink over all our emotions. Not just the bad feelings, but the good ones, too. We don’t know how to handle them because they all seem to make us think of a drink. We drink to make good feelings even better. We drink to drown our sorrows. We drink so we don’t have to think. If I had a feeling, I was thinking about drinking. It’s what I did, and now, in sobriety, everything seemed to make me anxious.
So how did I get to the point where I could enjoy the holidays again without worrying that I was going to get drunk?
First, I trusted what I was told. “This too, shall pass,” they’d say (and quite frankly, that made me mad, most at the time). “Easy does it,” and “Don’t drink no matter what” seemed sort of lame, as well. But they worked. They got me through, one minute at a time.
But I barely got through Thanksgiving before I started obsessing about Christmas. I could not imagine getting through that holiday sober! But I did. And that’s when I began to believe that maybe, just maybe, I could stay sober through New Year’s Eve. Sure enough. For the first
time in many years, I celebrated the beginning of a New Year with friends and without a drink. And what a relief I felt!
Some years went by before I could spend my holidays with family and then go to bed instead of heading out just before midnight to hang out with my sober friends. And eventually, I realized that I’d been adopted into a new family of sober friends who loved me when I so desperately lacked the confidence to stay sober.
So what are the holidays like now? Well, I can’t remember the last time I worried about a drink! I rarely even think of one. But if I do, I smile and realize how grateful I am to God for my sobriety. He is the reason I don’t drink. And He is the reason I can live without fear of picking up a drink. I have no doubt that the potential is there. But I have come to fully rely on Him for my sobriety. I no longer fear the alcoholic Bermuda Triangle because I continually turn my alcoholism over to Him. And as one man said many years ago, “Your Heavenly Father will never let you down.”
“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9.
“No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13.
