Perhaps there’s nothing more important in recovery then to make peace with our past by making things right with those we’ve harmed. That was a daunting task for me, but I’d heard from many who had done so, and they all told me it was a life-changing experience. I can’t say I was convinced I wouldn’t be bodily harmed when I approached those who still hated me, but I had the willingness to try, and whatever I lacked in courage I made up for in determination.
My best friend in recovery had emphasized that I needed to make sure I was not harming the person I was trying to make amends to. We talked about each situation thoroughly before I made my attempt, and I was clear that I was not to simply say I was sorry. I was there to make things right if I possibly could. I was to mend the relationship to the best of my ability.
Naturally, the first people I had thought of were those who had harmed me, and I had retaliated. I was told that my job was to sweep off my side of the street, and that I had better completely disregard what they had done to me.
I owed several creditors and had dodged them long enough to destroy my credit. I’d broken hearts, ignored friends, and acted irresponsibly at work. I’d especially hurt those who were closest to me and had loved me the most. And then there were those who were probably still unaware of what I had done against them. Every time I thought of those harms, I had difficulty finding the proper way to make them right, and I will be forever grateful for the thoughtful guidance I received.
Some amends were easy, and even some of the most difficult often began and quickly ended when the other person told me, “I have forgotten all about that and I forgave you a long time ago. Please don’t bring it up again.” As tempted as I was to rehash all my past misdeeds, I knew that I had no right to make them relive it. So I accepted their forgiveness as graciously as I could.
There were many tears shed as we both recognized that a miracle had taken place—both in my life, and in theirs. In every case, God’s love washed over me, erasing the guilt for my shameful behavior.
Since I briefly explained to them what I was doing, and that I was trying to eliminate any questionable excuse to go back to drinking, some of them were naturally curious about my recovery. In fact, as an unexpected benefit of making amends, one person began their own journey in recovery. God is so good!
But there was an experience that was more difficult than any other for me, and that was making amends to one of my creditors. This debt had dogged me for years, and I knew I had to deal with it, or be driven by fear and self-loathing back into the bottle.
They had left me many phone messages, asking me to please call them to resolve this debt, and I just hadn’t been able to do it. I also couldn’t shake the fear of calling them—perhaps because I didn’t know how far they might go to get their money back.
Finally, I prayed and asked God for courage. Getting on the telephone, I told them my name and why I was calling. When I finally connected with the right person, he thanked me for calling back, and told me the reason he was so insistent was that he wanted to offer me a deal where I would only have to pay back a fraction of what I owed.
I listened to him carefully, and suddenly I heard myself saying: “Sir, I’m so grateful for your offer, but I believe that I’ve harmed your company by not paying you back. So if it’s okay with you, I’d like to pay back all that I owe, and any interest or penalties you would normally impose. You see, making amends to you is part of what I have to do to not drink again, and I have to get over my fear of creditors, and deal with the situation I’ve gotten myself into. I’m sure that may sound strange to you, but… it’s what I have to do to make it right and stay sober.”
He listened politely, and after a moment said, “Well, believe it or not, I hear from men like you every day who call and want to make amends. I congratulate you for going to any lengths to stay sober. Although there is no credit advantage in doing this, if you insist, we can come up with a plan to fit your budget.”
And we did.
As I hung up the phone, a wave of relief swept through me. I suddenly realized how close I’d actually come to taking a drink by putting off this vital step for so long. Slipping onto my knees, I bowed myself low and wept. “Thank You, Father. Thank You for giving me the courage. Thank You for being with me. Thank You for the opportunity to practice honesty and restitution. Thank You for keeping me sober and giving me such an amazing experience.”
I felt forgiven that day, and I had a new freedom and a new happiness. But there was another unexpected consequence to making amends: I felt so much closer to God, who was doing for me what I could not do for myself.
I will never forget that experience, and I share it with those in recovery every chance I get. Because of what I went through, I realize that I’m uniquely qualified to help another alcoholic climb out of that pit of fear and despair. Then I get to watch their joy when they discover that they’re free!
