Birthdays. This word brings many happy and joyful memories to my mind. My mother was a gift-giver, plus she loved to celebrate our birthdays with a beautiful cake, asking friends to join in our birthday celebration, and making sure we received several gifts that were meaningful and special.
One year, my birthday cake was in the shape of a rather large swan. My mother whipped up a white frothy frosting and sprinkled it with coconut flakes which contrasted with its orange bill and black eye, making the cake almost too beautiful to eat!
There were several surprise birthday parties, too. One when I turned eleven and another when I turned 50! Both were totally a surprise and caught me completely off guard.
When I turned 70 years of age, my daughter Janelle and daughter-in-law Jill created a lovely meal (I was banished from the kitchen) which included coming to where I was sequestered to ask where a particular dish or utensil was located. Lasagna, garden corn, salad, and more was on the menu. It was delightful.
The dining room was decorated with crepe paper streamers, balloons, and the colorful words, Happy Birthday attached to the wall. Celebrating with family was so wonderful and the highlight of that day. One of the gifts I received that was completely unexpected was a notebook binder filled with printed notes from friends and family. Notes full of lovely and kind thoughts, memories experienced together, stories from times past. Later, I was able to sit down and read those beautiful sentiments people had taken the time to send. Tears came to my eyes as I read the notes from so many dear friends and relatives, but I remember thinking, If they only knew. If they only knew what kind of person I really am. I’m a mess. I feel like a hypocrite reading all these sweet and loving words.
I felt so unworthy. All those words from others about me seemed like a big lie. Sure, we did make the memories together, but all the loving words about me and who I was did not set well in my mind. Underneath was the rottenness and messiness of my life. If they only knew.
For a lot of my life, I’ve operated out of the what will people think of me mode—doing life so much of the time to look good in front of others, but many times feeling differently in my thoughts.
About a week after my birthday, holding that beautiful notebook and re-reading the expressions of love written by those I love and still feeling like a failure and not worthy of them, I was given this fact from God: When I look at you, I see a person who is forgiven; I remember your sins no more. I see my spotless Son, Jesus Christ when I look at you. That brought me so much joy.
I had to process that and learn to accept that I am a work in progress. My goal is not to reach the perfect person status, but to remember that all my value and worth is based on Jesus Christ. He sees me as His darling daughter. I am perfectly loved by Him with a love not based on performance.
A quote from Ellen White’s book, The Desire of Ages, p. 357 brings me encouragement. In it, she describes Jesus as saying, “My Father beholds not your faulty character but He sees you as clothed in My perfection.” Isn’t that beautiful?
As I continue to look at God, spend time with Him, and fall in love with who He is, my thoughts will be of Him and how much He loves me. I don’t need to dwell on my sins and mistakes, but take them to the One who can cleanse me as I rest in His amazing grace. Instead of the broken record playing if they only knew in my mind, my desire is for people to see my Savior shining through this earthen vessel—truly seeing Him and not me.
